Facebook statuses can often make other mommies-- the mommies who did not make it out their bathrobes, or were too lazy or sleepy to get to the grocery store, or don't know how to make anything from scratch-- feel a little crappy.
I think the secret is that even the most over achieving moms feel a little cowed when it pops up that Susan from way back when who wore acid wash for a year or two too long managed to make beef wellington and lavender ice cream while you wondered why your hair smells. It doesn't matter that yesterday you did five loads of laundry, cleaned spic and span from the carseat a diaper that turned into a mud slide, and gave a really good blow job, all it matters is that today you did not make beef wellington and let everyone know about it.
Sometimes, though, a friend's status makes you feel like the domestic goddess you knew you were before you got married and had children and realized you are not that entity in the least. This is my friendship pattern with Sheryl. What bonded with me Sheryl was that she went through a bad break up. Before the break up, Sheryl and I were friendly at parties where we were both "girl friends". After the break up, we would IM for hours and hours at a time, as I tried to help Sheryl navigate through her confused and angry and kinda psycho feelings for our mutual friend. It was very ugly. And extremely, addictively alluring. Everyone has a bad break up. Usually it occurs when you are so young you haven't realized that the guy is a jerk (or gay, as in my case) and everyone else has recognized this guy is a jerk (or gay) and it is okay to move on and not wallow cause well you deserve more than a jerk (or someone who actually finds you sexually attractive, as in my case).
But Sheryl did not realize this. Sheryl is very needy and not very introspective. And in all honesty, the guy was not a jerk in general, just to her, which, when you are over thirty, should help you realize it is time to move on but in Sheryl's case just protracted everything for a very long time. And while I can't say Sheryl really has moved on, I can say she did stop barking up the old boyfriend's tree and found someone who by all accounts is a really good catch (owns a three bedroom with pool and was willing to go to couples therapy from basically month one, which might indicate serious issues that would make one not want to say start a family with the guy, but that is just me).
Long story short, Sheryl had a baby.
When I first met this baby, I was alarmed. It looked hungry. While I was able to give advice when Sheryl asked if she should change her last name or what to put on the baby registry, I was not good at helping her with learning how to breast feed. The only thing I could do was tell her to go get a lactation consultant. But Sheryl is kinda flakey. She'd complain about latching and shit and I'd say call your hospital and the next day she's complain about latching and I'd say call your hospital and the next day she'd complain about latching and I'd IM I had to pee.
So Sheryl's FB statuses are completely insane.
They are similar to "My baby has a fever and is throwing up. Any suggestions?" Um YES! WTF! Give her TYLENOL. Or something. Don't ignore her while you reveal to four hundred friends your maternal instinct is limited in ways that suggest one of us should call DSS on your ass.
Sheryl also forgets a lot. She used to smoke a lot of pot. So sometimes her posts and comment threads really just reveal you should lay off the green if you want to be an effective parent.
Those statuses are similar to "We had our first public meltdown today. I have no idea why. My poor baby!" The first few comments are usually from friends who seem really burnt out themselves. Like "aww" or "poor thing" or "she's so big now!" None of these people seem to remember six months ago when she wrote "We had our first public meltdown today. I have no idea why. My poor baby!" I once passive aggressively wrote a long opus about some baby related thing so that no more silly people could pretend she had not been given suggestions about how to stave off meltdowns. (And by the time the kid is a year and a half don't most parents know that if you bring the kid out on an empty stomach, with a cold, at lunch time, with no nap, after being carted around to malls all morning, that a trip to Panera is just fucking stupid?)
So cut throat is this parenting in the techno age.
I know I am not a warm fuzzy force out there, either.
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